CPAC: The Parody And The Ecstasy
Every March, good conservatives from all over the country
put on their finest wacko bird plumage and swan their way down to the annual three-day
debutante ball known as CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference.
The sponsoring organization of CPAC is the American
Conservative Union. The conference is
open to anyone who wants to register; $195.00 will get you General Admission,
$1,000.00 the VIP Package. The guest
list of speakers, however, is a Mrs. Astor’s 400 list of acceptable
conservatives.
In with a bang this year was Rand Paul, fresh off his
filibuster triumph. Returning hero Marco
Rubio was given a prime-speaking slot. Also
hot, Ted Cruz, the freshman Senator from Texas who seems to personify slashing
partisanship. And new star Ben Carson,
the Johns Hopkins surgeon who broke protocol at the non-partisan National
Prayer Breakfast by sharply criticizing Mr. Obama.
Out were large-bodied, large personalities with Joisey
accents. Also out, interestingly, was Virginia’s
quite conservative Republican Governor, Bob McDonnell. His sin was backing a roads and
transportation bill with tax revenue. Christie
didn’t come. McDonnell was asked by
evangelical right leader Ralph Reed to give a few remarks at a small private gathering
as a consolation prize. Also out, very
out, but very much in attendance, was Karl Rove, who was hissed at multiple
opportunities.
So, what do all these folk actually do at CPAC? What do they talk about?
Remember, first and foremost, that the Conservative movement
is one of ideas. So there are a lot of highbrow,
deeply intellectual books about the philosophical underpinnings of modern Conservative
thought, often placed in a gemütlich setting.
At “Muffins and Mimosas With the Honorable Ken Cuccinelli” you can meet
the great man and pick up his “Last Line
of Defense: The New Fight for American Liberty.” Other worthy titles include Obama’s Four Horsemen; The Disasters Unleashed By Obama’s
Reelection and The Communist, The
Untold Story of Frank Marshall Davis, Barack Obama’s Mentor. For some outrage at the mainstream media,
there is Spin Masters How the Media
Ignored the Real News And Helped Re-Elect Barack Obama and Fast and Furious, Barack Obama’s Bloodiest
Scandal and its Shameless Cover-up. For
those interested in economics, Stealing
You Blind. How Government Fat Cats Are Getting
Rich Off of You. And, from the Dale
Carnegie wing of the party, Bullies, How
The Left’s Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences America as well as Ann Coulter’s heartfelt plea for
tolerance, Mugged; Racial Demagoguery
From the Seventies to Obama.
Not in the mood to read?
Who could be, with all those luminaries in town? Buy them all and take your significant other
(opposite sex, please) to a flick.
Popcorn and raisinettes included.
Woo her with the rom-com “Hating Breitbart.” Get her to snuggle with the scary “2016:
Obama’s America” or “Hillary The Movie.” Show her your caring, humane side with
“Occupy Unmasked; A Shocking Indictment Of One Of The Most Controversial
Movements in American History.” Or your depth with “Generation Zero: The Debt
Crisis That Obama And the Left Ignore at the Peril of the Nation.”
Too much fun? There was some serious talk, and some policy. Mitt Romney made a mellow, low-key
presentation, showing a previously well-hidden graciousness, which was fairly
warmly received. Paul Ryan gave a wonky and boring speech,
outlining, with his customary lack of detail, how the Conservative revolution
would finally get the government off the backs of the downtrodden 1% and
liberate the poor and the elderly from the moral burden of dependency. The NRA sponsored a workshop on how to
protect the Second Amendment (no word on free samples.) There was an
anti-abortion film presented by Mike Huckabee and a session on how to become a
conservative journalist, and some obligatory climate change debunking
OK, maybe those are a bit of a snooze. But big thoughts, and
big personalities abounded, although not necessarily in the same people.
For pure entertainment value, Donald Trump came wafting into
town under a luxuriant head of hair; he trashed Obama and demanded that Latinos
never be given citizenship because they might vote Democratic. Sarah Palin
brought her special brand of just-plain-folks-stick-the-knife-in, and the crowd
went absolutely nuts. Wayne LaPierre
made ‘em laugh when it came to gun control, alternately mocking, jeering,
smirking.
As for the partying, these folk actually know how to have a
good time. On Thursday, there was an
“Alan West Guardian Fund Happy Hour” and a choice between a “Presidential Dinner Sponsored By
Newsmax.” and a “VIP Presidential Dinner
Reception Sponsored By The National Rife Association,” which, true to form, was
by invitation only. Friday brought the
classy “Ronald Reagan Dinner Sponsored By Judicial Watch.”
The one event I would have liked to have had a FISA-court
approved webcam on was the “Walking Dead: Obama Zombies On Parade” which
apparently was “a speed networking party for future conservative power players.” The American Conservative Union, Sixty Plus,
and the US Chamber of Commerce sponsored that little gem.
Saturday was a doozy.
The sun rose on Steve King, the Iowa Congressman who wants to emulate
Todd Akin in next year’s election for Tom Harkin’s Senate seat. He was followed by Scott Walker, the union
busting Governor of Wisconsin with the smile of a juvenile assassin, who
politely put off but did not deny talk of a 2016 Presidential run (Scott
Walker???) The crowd loved Walker. Those
two were the table setters for Newt (introduced by Calista, of course) and then
Michelle Bachmann. All that by
10AM. Noon brought Sarah, and from the
other side of the age and appeal spectrum, Phyllis Schlafly. 12:30 was “Ten Conservatives Under 40”
although it’s unclear whether that was a seminar, or a head count. The weekend’s
pleasantries were brought to a close by the announcement of the Straw Poll
winner and then a late afternoon meal fit for a carnivore. Ann Coulter followed by Ted Cruz, with each
outdoing themselves in chest beating.
So, what did we learn from this experience? Well, at CPAC,
it’s the “severely conservative conservatives” who are in charge. John McCain was booed, several times. Karl Rove was taken to task by none other
than his former colleague at Fox, Sarah Palin, who suggested he go back to
Texas. Conservatives seem to be looking for a good time, either with the
matinee idols or the bad boys. Jeb Bush
was dull. Marco and Rand and Ted were
not. Rand Paul said it best “The GOP of old has grown
stale and moss-covered…. I don’t think we need to name any names here, do we?”
No,
I don’t think we need to name any names.
The crowd knew. In the Straw
Poll, Paul and Rubio were first and second, with 25% and 23%
respectively, and no one else was higher than Santorum’s 8%. And last summer’s fling died a quick (possibly
temporary) death. Paul Ryan was at 6%. Some of those un-named names? Jeb asked to not
be on the ballot, and none of the rest even registered. Even Sarah only got 3%.
So, what do all these people stand for in their gut? What do they feel emotionally? What does CPAC tell us about the inner tuning
fork of a conservative? Why would you waste your time reading all those
screeds, or watching dark-hued portentous movies of a coming apocalypse instead
of trying to find ways to persuade new recruits? And, more importantly, why do
conservatives persist in thinking the failures of McCain and Romney to beat the
despised Mr. Obama was because of a lack of purity and a lack of passion, and not
a lack of appeal of their ideas? Without
being too blunt, can any rational person think that any conservative would have
voted for Barack Obama in 2012, much less than the roughly 2,500,000 that would
have been needed to switch the popular vote result?
I have to admit that I am too center-left to get it. Of all the posts I have written on Syncopated
Politics, I found this one the most difficult.
I was stymied when trying to describe what appears to be a
visceral article of faith. I read
reports in news links across the political spectrum and felt no closer to
understanding.
Then, a little ray of insight (and maybe a little hope) from
a piece by Chris Good on the ABC News site:
“I came here to meet a nice conservative girl, but I think
I’m only gonna meet crazy conservative girls,” one lovelorn young man, wearing
a red tie, remarked to his friend on the opening day of CPAC.”
Now,
that, I can get. He was speaking a
universal language that anyone could understand.
Crazy
conservative girls. Agony without the ecstasy. I feel for that man.
MM
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